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Loneliness

Loneliness is a common experience.

All of us will feel it at some point in our lives. When loneliness lasts for a long time, it can be difficult to cope with.

A bonfire on a beach with two people roasting marshmallows

Loneliness can happen to anyone. It’s not the same as being physically alone. Loneliness is a feeling we experience when our relationships don’t meet our needs. It’s normal to feel lonely even in large groups of people or amongst friends and whānau. Finding people and places to help you feel you belong is key to overcoming loneliness. This page can help you find your way through.

“I had no one to talk to. Things improved for me when I spoke about my experiences with my youth group. It’s something I don’t have to carry anymore.” – Watch Fia's story.

What is loneliness and how does it affect mental health?

Loneliness is the feeling that you don’t have close relationships or a social network. Some people are physically isolated as well as lonely, others may appear to have lots of people around them but still feel very alone. People who are lonely usually do want to connect with others but cannot for many reasons, including shame, isolation, stigma and time pressures.

Loneliness can be a sign of mental health problems – depression and anxiety, for example, may cause you to pull away from friends, whānau and community. Loneliness can also cause mental health problems, and may also impact physical health, sleep and self-esteem. It can lead to feelings of sadness, emptiness, or being unwanted.

Anyone can feel lonely. No matter who you are or where you come from, feeling lonely doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. There are many reasons you may feel this way. Help is available and you will feel better again. Loneliness often happens when you’re going through big changes or transitions in your life, such as retiring, moving, changing schools or becoming a parent – especially when you’re going through these things without others to support you.

Let's end lonliness working together to tackle loneliness and create communities.

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Find more resources to address and prevent loneliness

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Small Steps can help to understand why you may be feeling lonely

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It is common to feel loneliness when

  • Experiencing major life changes (e.g. changing job, school, or home; retiring, becoming a parent).
  • Going through relationship breakdowns or losing touch with whānau or friends.
  • Grieving loved ones, including pets.
  • Struggling with mental or physical health, can sometimes lead to withdrawing from relationships due to pain, other physical symptoms, feelings of being a burden or not wanting to be judged.
  • Facing prejudice and discrimination – being excluded because of disability, race, life circumstances (such as financial status, single parenthood), gender, sexuality, culture or religion.

What to do

  • Small Steps have a great tool to help you understand why you might be lonely and what may help:
  • Reconnect with old friends and colleagues: give them a call, send them an email or a message on social media. If it’s been a while since you’ve had a chat with someone else, it might feel scary. Just A Thought have a guide to help you build your conversation skills.
  • Take notice of small connections: a friendly ‘hello’ at the dairy, smiling at the postie or chatting with people in the park all make a real difference.
  • Connect with your culture: find someone who speaks your native language, cook a favourite family recipe, join a cultural group or learn more about your whānau and history. Learning the stories of our tūpuna (ancestors) helps remind us we are never alone.
  • Volunteer with causes or projects that connect with your values, skills and passions. These might include:
    • Baking for the community (via a charity such as Good Bitches Baking)
    • Joining your local Lions or Rotary club
    • Taking part in local conservation work (e.g. trapping pests, cleaning up neighbourhoods, planting trees)
    • Volunteering as a visitor through an organisation such as Age Concern.
    • Helping a local sports organisation.
    • Joining a community gardening group.
    • Mentoring a younger person e.g. through the Graeme Dingle Foundation or Big Brothers, Big Sisters
    • Other opportunities can be found on neighbourhood social media pages, community newspapers and websites such as Volunteering NZ

“If you can change the life of one person today, isn’t that wonderful? Just to make them smile. You can get overwhelmed by the world and everything that’s going wrong. I look around my community and try to help as many people as I can. Push yourself a little bit and look around to see how you can help.” – Janet, volunteer baker

  • Spend time in nature: feelings of loneliness ease when you’re in nature. Walking in the bush, watching the waves at the beach or just spending time in a park or garden listening to the birds will help you feel more connected.
  • Join groups: find groups that share your interests e.g. book clubs, gardening groups, sports teams, gamers, conservation, DIY. Your neighbourhood social media page(s), Citizens Advice Bureau or library can help connect you.
  • Use social media mindfully: social media can be a great way to connect but pay attention to how it makes you feel. Instead of just scrolling, try using social media to find people who share your interests, passions, hobbies and values.
  • Visit your GP or Health Improvement Practitioner: they can help connect you with support and resources. https://www.depression.org.nz/seeking-support/people-who-can-help

“Many of my clients never tell their friends and whānau they’re feeling lonely. I want them to know sharing with others helps them, too. Other people need you as much as you need them.” Emma, Health Improvement Practitioner.

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