Whānau and connection

Ahh realistically I left a community that was an entire family and moved to a city, that I was not prepared for at all.

I didn’t know what being a fag was, it was like, all the name calling started, some slight racism at the park from this old lady where Nan use to stay at.

I was an effeminate child. There was this silk, silk skirt and I loved it but anyway my mum was going to make me wear it to school one day because that was a horrific thing.

Because I was being challenged by the umm, you know, my Dad who was a man’s man and he’s a farmer and builder and all of those things, umm, and then there’s this very effeminate son of his, and so, yeah that was a challenge. Umm, so our relationship really wasn’t that bad. The um, I resented him when he was saying that he loved us, he was always drunk. So, as I grew up, I resented it because, to me it wasn’t sincere and if that was the only way he could do that then that is…just bullshit really. Even after I came out, you know, he didn’t really have an issue with it, Mum did though but… was… it was quite odd, but you know.

So there are two families. There is a sister and a brother from a previous relationship and then there is, I’m the eldest of the second family. I have a good relationship with my older sister…now…but she reminds me of Dad.

Lived in a little village – that was cool. That was the only, you know, after we left…and as I grew into the adult I realised what that little village as much as sometimes, we were like, ah, um, you know, like ah why do I need to be here? But it

protected us, you know It didn’t matter whose child you were, all the adults would look out for you. So, off and on it was good. Because like, you know, the town itself is amazing, I love the place.

My relationship with my mum wasn’t amazing, it was, I call it war now. It was like, because it’s kind of what it was. She um, changed and we were at war for a very very long time, for her own reasons but a lot of time wasted.

I said now I have to work on myself. But then she wanted a, a relationship, she wanted her son back and I said you can’t have that. I said you can’t have your son back but I can offer you friendship and we’d start there and see what happens.

So sometimes it fell into our own routines again. Our garbage – mine and Mums – came to Palmerston North with us. And that was not fun. It was a time, that parents were absolute in their children's lives – so no one ever questioned.

So one time I stole $10, I got caught, cos I didn’t buy my mate a pie, he went home and told his Mum and in her little town why does a kid have $10. So I got in trouble for that so after that any money that went missing, I did it – even if I didn’t. Um and then I eventually just became an outright liar, and so I would then I’d just admit to things that I never did because I was going to be blamed for it anyway.

I was just angry because… our relationship was so confrontational. Um, and the physical abuse was just, sometimes it just came out of nowhere.

But, so I thought I got away from that. Um and then, so, because Nan wasn’t very well at that time, so I went between her house and their house, um, so when I was there I was unhappy about having to go there – one, and two, I was starting to rebel openly towards my Mum. Raised my fists, got knocked out a couple times… but still did it. I just ended up…didn’t want to be there, I didn’t like her.

I can’t, I can’t say anything – she’s gone now. She can’t answer so it is what it is. You know, we had mended bridges by the time she left.

So, my older brother – he was adopted out, so I am the replacement child. But I think because Nan's heart was always with all of us as grandchildren – very very gentle and warm, I always see her in a really good light and, you know, Nanny will, we need

to come travelling – it was fun. Felt much safer with them around. Um, she…when she left then… I really didn’t know what I was doing.

So, when Mum left, that was even greater pain. It was like gut wrenching. Um…but yeah, and I didn’t think when she would, only because of our relationship, um, but I suppose you know, as mother and child, you know, those bonds still do exist. But it was just as hard as Nan's passing was.

I realised that, passing is the easiest part. You know, once they’ve passed that, it's the easiest part to deal with that. And the greed of others, and Mum wasn’t a wealthy person but her sister said, ah, “No wonder your Mum hated you”. And, I was like, well you know what – she’s not here to answer that, so whatever you think is going to hurt me right now isn’t because she can’t answer that, and I believe we’ve made some big strides as far as our relationship went. It wasn’t perfect, but it was better than her leaving this planet and her having done anything about it.

So the Aunts would always go, “Come here Nephew”, and then they would randomly tell something. So like, Aunty would say to me, “When, if I win Lotto I will pay for your, for your um, for your operation”. I was like, “What operation?” So, she thought that me being gay, I would then want to then turn myself into a woman. I was like, “Oh, I’ll just have the money though”. But you know they all listened to Mum at the end, so there was no real support. So, it was just Nan who would sit there and argue with them. And, those arguments wouldn’t go so well sometimes. But, you know, they would get upset, and she would go, “Oh well then go home”. She was my biggest defender, so when she passed, it was, “What now? Um and…still not over that today.

I did not, like myself then, it, unless I was drunk. So, I found yeah, I found myself acceptable to myself whilst I was drunk. That carried on for, I don’t know, another – for, twenty years. The drinking. Um, and then, in 2010 I woke up in a police detox cell after I had gotten really drunk, but essentially I had drunk half a bottle of Grey Goose, after work, no food. Spent $800 though, but (laughs) and then the fine that came. But it was, um, and so after that point I realised that maybe my drinking is an issue.

I dealt with it. I really like my own space. I really like my own company and, it is…because I like it so much it can become dangerous. You know, I do tend to isolate. And so, because I like my own space or being by myself, it is very easy for me to then, forget that the rest of the world exists.

It’s slightly overwhelming, to um, check out for so long, and then come back in… with a tidal wave of information that is important, um, yeah, but, I do like my own company.

So I have been taking medication for, since 2017. Um, some hits and misses with it. Ah, but now we are good. The GP would say, “Try this”. So you have to take it for a period of time before the medication kicks in itself, um, before it becomes helpful. But by that time you are quite mindless. You can, you know, doing something not really in control of what you are doing, or you know, so if you act out, you’re not really in control of that because it is just part of the body acclimatising to the medication. So I don’t like that. It’s like being drunk. Not in control. So, I learnt that I don’t like losing control.

I have to leave it behind because…because of the side effects of the medication at the time. Yeah I just didn’t want to have those types of memories that, you know Dad was so whacked out, he didn’t know what he was up to, and things like that. So, I have sleeping pills but they knock me out so hard that if something happened at night he wouldn’t be able to wake me. There’s absolutely no way that he’s going to. So I couldn’t take the sleeping pills. So the insomnia then is rampant – fun times. It doesn’t stop – you just have to find a better way to deal with it.

And What is more important? You know the um, so School is important, so is your mental health. But, I didn't think that I was… you know parenthood was going to be in my life. So when he comes along because his birth parents are unwell people, and his grandmother on his Mum’s side already has 15 children under her roof, 2 toddlers and a husband in a wheelchair because he had a stroke 10 years earlier, and she’s like I can’t have another baby. Could you have him? Easiest, easiest choice ever in my life. I said I can. It will. I’m coming. Easiest choice. So he was my best choice ever. It was… I have absolutely enjoyed sharing my life with him.

You know, sometimes we have our moments, but that’s because he gets lonely – grumpy old Dad – you know. His best friend is Google. Talk to Google – she will answer you. But um, you know, he does have his moments, but we get beyond that, you know. He knows where home is. He knows, who has his back, and that has all been thrown into the air.

I have been going to anger Management therapy, um, and that’s been good. And so she, um, my therapist is…psychologist is a Samoan woman, so she understands the dynamics of big brown Māori or Pasifika families. She knows how they work so you don’t have to explain those things.

Um, and, you know, she…My biggest problem was that I need…I have this thing that I need to save people and then they bite me. You know. And then they turn around, and they just turn into…turn into these prats. But…and so that’s part of the withdrawal from society is that, I don’t, can’t trust my own choices, in human beings, because of what happens down the road, or you know, so it’s better to just stay home, and stick with the people I grew up with. Yeah, so I do know that, my boy will come home. And then so, I do know that it is the path that… to get there… that is the hardest.

You know yourself better than anyone else. You know, you know your heart, you know what you are doing, what you are fighting for. There, um, you know, had he not come into my life, I wouldn’t have to worry about this, I wouldn’t have to go to therapy to fix my childhood to make his better. Um, I wouldn’t have to worry about medication. Um, but, I know my relationship with him is sound. It is solid. Um, yes we have had our bumps but, love and, love and conversation will always fix it. You know, not lying to him, misleading him. And you know sometimes, we’ve had to have conversations that were, really really tough.

I choose you, my love, every second of everyday.

Also, just knowing that, you know, we have our good days and we have our bad days – not all Disney, but the memories that he and I have built in this house – they exist here. And so sometimes they are too great. And sometimes I just don’t want to be here. But, you can’t ask for your child back if you have no roof over your head.

Yeah? So, there are, you know, some psychological things that I personally, just have to accept.

SFX. End.